{"id":2256,"date":"2025-10-02T15:37:55","date_gmt":"2025-10-02T15:37:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/self-editing.com\/?p=2256"},"modified":"2025-10-02T15:37:55","modified_gmt":"2025-10-02T15:37:55","slug":"lesson-18","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/self-editing.com\/?p=2256","title":{"rendered":"LESSON 18"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Lesson 18<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The alcohol I\u2019d consumed allowed me to step out of character a little; in fact, being at this party at all was out of character for me. As I stood among the others, rum and Coke in hand, I found myself taking more and more sips and actually enjoying myself.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I\u2019m a very timid person and like to keep to myself. It was a coworker who suggested I go, and her, \u201cYou might just have fun!\u201d loosened the ties I usually keep on myself and I actually told her I\u2019d be there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And so that night after work, I went home and got dressed in what I considered my most \u201cparty-going \u201c outfit including stilettos and makeup, as if I were on autopilot.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And, once there, I headed straight to their bar, having planned ahead on rum and Coke. I stood in front of the bar, letting the rum loosen me up and entertained myself watching everyone else.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">On my third drink, I became amused at how hard the women seemed to be trying to attract the men with tossing back their heads, laughing too loudly and throwing them \u201ccome get me\u201d glances. I found myself giggling at them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And that was when Chris showed up. What\u2019s more, he showed up at my side. And he began talking to me as though I were a normal person.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Lubricated with my drinks, I responded and he must\u2019ve liked what he heard. Through my beginning alcohol haze, I detected that he was a kind man and he was not bad looking, in spite of the horn rimmed glasses.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">At the end of that night, we exchanged phone numbers and promised each other that we\u2019d keep in touch. And then he left.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And, like I could have predicted, he never called me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014-<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My shyness comes from my stuttering, which has always been my nemesis. I guess it comes from the outgoing personality and fluid speech that my younger brother is blessed with. And that was why it wasn\u2019t at all like me to show up at the party that my brother\u2019s office was giving that night. So I roused myself out of my timid lethargy when my brother suggested I go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And I found her there. The woman I\u2019d been dreaming about of whom I was not worthy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">To me, she was beautiful in her black and clingy dress, those stiletto heels to die for, and that heart shaped face with dimples on each side of her mouth. Even those buck teeth added to her allure. I was smitten.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">We actually talked, with me actually getting my words out and I was enchanted with the melody of her voice. It reminded me of faraway strains of my mother\u2019s, may she rest in peace. I guess for that reason, my stuttering decided to take a break. And she seemed to be interested in me! I couldn\u2019t get over it. She fixed her breathtaking gray eyes on my coke bottle covered ones, as if everything I was saying had the utmost importance.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Now I\u2019m here, back in my dingy apartment where I work online. It serves me well. I can make myself understood with the written word far better than I can in person.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">On my kitchen table, where I have stacked old tins of TV dinners, unopened mail and things that need to be put away, I have placed the crumpled napkin with her number. It taunts me, daring me to give her a call.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But just as if it were a wave that had ebbed the night of the party, I could feel my stuttering flowing back anew once I\u2019d returned home. Each morning I got up and saw that napkin. It had the curious effect of reminding me of my ill-fated attempts at asking girls out in high school; how they\u2019d laughed at my stuttering questions and then turned and walked away.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I couldn\u2019t risk it. But, then again, I couldn\u2019t risk throwing away that napkin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014-<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I come from southern roots, which dictate strongly how a woman should look and act. Although I was born in Brooklyn, New York, both my Alabama-born parents carried with them their southern ways, which they bequeathed to my sisters and to me. Therefore, I didn\u2019t dare call Chris.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My mind did funny things with me as I waited for&nbsp;<em>him<\/em>&nbsp;to call&nbsp;<em>me<\/em>. As it always does. He was just buttering me up at the party so he could laugh about me later with his friends. He would never go out with a horse. He was married. He was gay. And so on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But the napkin, posted neatly on my refrigerator door, plain as day, kept beckoning me in spite of what my mind was telling me. Day after day it seemed to be calling my name until, almost before a month was up, I finally made a decision. Still too timid to call him, I\u2019d break the chain of my southern roots and find Chris.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It took quick work at the office next day to find the whereabouts of the phone number he\u2019d given me. He actually lived not far from where I did, in Queens. This, however, increased my anxiety tenfold, and I had to take a few more days to work my courage up. The fact that I was about to go searching for the verified man of my dreams took all my strength even to think about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My brother came over last night bringing two six packs and demanding we play poker. After his usual comment, \u201cStill living in a pigsty, huh?\u201d we sat down at my kitchen table, which he cleared off for me with one arm. And just like all the other times, the truth came out as we played: his girlfriend had left him.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And just like all the other times, it was totally her fault. I managed to get out, \u201cWomen. Can\u2019t live with\u2019em, can\u2019t live without\u2019em.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cYou got that right, bro.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The beers helped me mention to him that I\u2019d met a girl at his office\u2019s party. He stopped dealing the cards and said, \u201cSo? What\u2019d you do?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I just had to lie. \u201cOh, we\u2019ve been going out some,\u201d I managed to get out without stuttering.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A big belch and then he said, \u201cThat\u2019s m\u2019boy!\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Apparently, my brother had had a lot more to drink before he made it to my place and he started nodding off before nightfall. I decided this ex girlfriend had really hurt him as I lugged his almost comatose body to my bed, turned off the lights and made my way to the sofa.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It was too late, I knew, and on a weeknight. But before my courage flagged as it so often does before I start anything, I took the subway whose stop was near where he supposedly lived. The ride there allowed me to feel daring, as I so often wished I could be. When I got off and found the stairway up to the street, I gazed at the city lights, my sense of bravery still with me.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And it stayed with me while, incredibly, I found the apartment building where Chris lived. It was at the end of a long block and terminated at a park whose slide and swing set and tilt-a-whirl were mere shadows in the night. Pulling my jacket closer around me, I sat on the curb opposite of the apartment building, and tried to figure out which window was his. And what the inside of his apartment looked like. And if he had a roommate. And if he remembered me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That last thought seemed to take my courage down with it and I decided I\u2019d better get back. It was closing on midnight and there were fewer subways so I had to wait. And as I waited, the supposed courage I\u2019d been banking on left me. I got home a wreck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I was working on a new assignment when my brother dragged his lazy ass out of my bed, urinated loudly in the bathroom and came into my kitchen. Opening my refrigerator, as I knew he would, he grumbled, \u201cChrist, don\u2019t you have&nbsp;<em>anything<\/em>&nbsp;in here?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">We ended up eating at the donut shop on the corner where he must\u2019ve downed six, to my amazement. Then he mentioned something that took my breath away. \u201cWhen I got up to take a leak last night, I looked out your window and I saw someone casing your joint. It was a woman, dude.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Then, just like that, he took off before I could get any more details.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It was a woman. And I knew<em>&nbsp;just&nbsp;<\/em>who it was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I returned home trying to figure out how she knew where to find me. And four-eyed idiot that I am, it took me a while to find out where she lived by Googling her phone number. Now, to work up the courage\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">How had I worked up the courage to even attend that party where I\u2019d met Chris? I wracked my brain over this question for days. I\u2019d since figured out that going to his apartment in the dead of night was no way to actually see him. What an imbecile I was!&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And, as I\u2019d counted on, the shyness practically immobilized me, and it was all I could do to make myself go to work and come home again. Autopilot existence. But I was used to it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I was practicing what I would say to her while I worked up the courage to actually go to her place. Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, my stuttering sounded like the motor of a Harley Davidson, and I almost gave up. But I didn\u2019t. I pressed on. After a few days, I could get out short phrases like, \u201cIt\u2019s good to see you\u201d and \u201cHow have you been?\u201d As the week went on, I found myself saying even more phrases without even a stutter! I began to feel proud of myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And thus, a few days later, I actually walked to the address of her apartment. And on the way, I practiced saying hello to every person I saw walking on the street. It didn\u2019t matter to me that each person looked at me weirdly, being the New Yorkers they were, at least I was getting practice. Anything for my girl.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I got home from a particularly difficult day at work, looking forward to spending the usual quiet evening in my apartment. It had been a colder day and at home, I dressed myself in my warmest PJ\u2019s and a new fleece robe I\u2019d been looking forward to wearing when the weather called for it. Then I sat down in my tiny living room, put on Leonard Skynard as background music and opened one of my favorite books,&nbsp;<em>Up a Road Slowly<\/em>. Irene Hunt never failed to calm me down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I\u2019m now standing in front of her apartment, my well-oiled tongue calm in my mouth. I see a light on in one of her curtained windows and I know she\u2019s home. My nervousness won\u2019t stop me this time.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I\u2019ve finished the first chapter, about how Julie Trelling has lost her mother and how she comes to live with her Aunt Cordelia who at first reaches into the closet where her niece is hiding and puts her arms around her. Then I hear a barely audible knock on my door.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Lesson 18 The alcohol I\u2019d consumed allowed me to step out of character a little; in fact, being at this party at all was out of character for me. As I stood among the others, rum and Coke in hand, &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/self-editing.com\/?p=2256\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":495,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2256","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/self-editing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2256","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/self-editing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/self-editing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/self-editing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/495"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/self-editing.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2256"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/self-editing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2256\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2257,"href":"https:\/\/self-editing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2256\/revisions\/2257"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/self-editing.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2256"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/self-editing.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2256"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/self-editing.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2256"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}