“It makes more sense to live together, Wayne.” Allison was being practical. They had been dating for eight and a half months, the last seven seeing each other exclusively. “You know I love you. I want to wake up with you every morning and fall asleep in your arms every night.”
He sat at the kitchen table, smoking, as the woman deposited the dinner plates and cups into the dishwasher. After a lengthy silence, she added. “My apartment is eight hundred a month. I could pay half of your rent, and we’d save a bunch of money. We could travel and have more money to go out. Maybe start a nest egg to buy a house or new car someday.”
Wayne had heard this plea before, many times, even before he met Allison. He didn’t want to lose her; she was the most interesting and capable woman he had ever met—beautiful, warm, intelligent, and a lot of fun—in and out of bed. “I’m just saying,” he paused to formulate his words, “that people change when they move in together. Being around each other 24/7 is an eye-opener.” He stared across the table, tapping ash from his cigarette.
“You know I’ve lived with other women before. People change. It always happens.” He considered her new insistence on sharing living space as proof.
“Did you love them like you love me now?”
“What a silly question. You know I love you.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
Standing, he snuffed his cigarette out and emptied the ashtray into the metal can below the sink. From a few paces back, he read the vulnerability in her stance as he fought the desire to relieve the hurt in her eyes by simple acquiescence. In his silence, he re-lived the resentment and anger from previous breakups. When a couple moved in together, there was no reprieve; if a slow-burning distrust or resentment occurred, it ended only when life blazed out of control. Horrible and scarring. He closed in, kissed the top of her thick black curls, and looked purposely into her eyes.
“I have never loved anyone like I love you. You mean everything to me.”
“Then why can’t we live together?” the beautiful brunette asked again. “This apartment is big enough, and you know how few things I own. It wouldn’t look crowded…”
“It’s not that. At least mostly not that.” Having heard her bring it up, he glanced around, envisioning where her things might go. He kept his place very neat out of habit. In the past, he wanted it to be presentable for any new woman he’d bring home. Staring into space, faces of one-night stands, mostly happy even if short-lived, distracted him briefly. In many ways, freedom was exhilarating. But it also felt shallow. At twenty-nine, he felt rudderless, unattached, and as solitary as a lone hobo waiting in the rain for the next boxcar. He tried to ground himself, to be rooted, but his life still felt so insubstantial at times.
“What are you thinking about?” Allison asked, faintly. She took his wrist and raised her voice. “Are you thinking of another woman? Do you have my replacement in mind?” Her voice began to crack, and tears began to form as she stared into his face. Memories of her father leaving her mother made Allison choke. She was ten, then, and the hurt still ran deep. She hated the idea of being alone, just like her mother had been for the last fourteen years.
“It’s not like that!” Wayne blurted out, then raised both hands, signaling to calm the situation. “There’s no one else but you. Not now. Not in the future.” He hoped his words would pacify her for now, but a new wrinkle appeared. If they lived together, there’d be no place to retreat. Would all his future actions be scrutinized? Hanging out with friends, fishing trips, sporting events, working out of town, et cetera…
Allison wiped her eyes with her hands and tried to navigate around him. The bathroom was always a safe place to reflect. Regain composure. Fix smeared makeup.
Although confused, the man intercepted her and held her in silence. After long seconds, her stiffness melted into his embrace. After a full minute, she looked up, her tear-covered face wearing a smile and a question mark. “Do you really love me?”
Wayne kissed her wet face and mouth, then silently pulled her sobbing face into his shoulder. “Of course I love you.” He said, while silently thinking, What am I going to do?
