“Hey, Jasmine. Terry asked me to give you this. I spelled her name the way she liked. The Y instead of J.” She held my fingers when she took the gift. A little longer than what was expected and maybe it is just me but why is her blouse so short today? I averted my eyes to see her smiling as if she knew what I was thinking. Could it be?
We locked eyes for a little when our fingers met. Her hands were a little cold but soft and…tender. Her eyes looked like jewels and…and the way she smiled with her eyes.
It was intoxicating!
No, I can’t do that to him. Especially when he is hiding in the balcony. Most likely watching her, to give her the surprise. Her blouse is floral just like the way I met her first. Crimson like blood and covered with thorns. Dangerous yet beautiful.
“Uh, Jasmine. Your hands….I need to go, now.” I forced the words out of my mouth. She has the perfect dimples and the way she acted innocent. Her perfume is mixed with the subtle floral scent underneath a more exquisite fragrance I could not tell but I loved it. It was balanced, sweet, tempting yet endearing. I find my heart skipped a beat as she nonchalantly showed her legs, almost bare, in front of me. I could see her high heels that she bought when we were shopping yesterday, together. And her question to me,”If time can rewind where we first met, would you have courted me instead of Terry?”
“Surprise!” Terry jumped from the balcony. My heart jumped but my face remained stoic. Not in front them, no.
“Hey, Terry. I got to go now. I just remembered that I needed to do something for my sister. I leave you two lovebirds on your own.” I tried my best to sound busy but she showed me her long, perfect slender legs again, this time behind his back! I could make out the words in her mouth. “Meet me here tomorrow night here.” Then she waved her handphone at me and made the digit 7.
To yield or not to yield? Terry did snatched her away from me during highschool first. I pretended it was okay all along. I didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship but lately, he himself had an affair with me keeping mum. Was it out for revenge? I was pretty sure she knew it. He wasn’t a very careful guy, impulsive? Very. And Jasmine, observant, smart, classy, sharp and conniving at times. I have seen rugby boys fell head over heels over her and they fought to get her attention but she went straight to me instead and I shielded her when a dejected guy rushed at her. And then Terry came.
I left. Their laughter’s echoed down the staircase. I took the long route down to escape. Perhaps it was right to cut in between them. No, I will remain their friend not a third wheel.
Time to work faraway from them. Out of sight, out of mind. Still, her lingering perfume on my sleeves, I couldn’t resist. I smelled it and she saw it out of her window at me. Our eyes met for a brief moment and she smiled triumphantly, looking down at me.
This story has strong potential. The POV is handled with discipline, there’s no confusion about whose head we’re in. The intrusive sexual gaze is consistent and relentless. The character knows this is wrong, tries to leave, and repeatedly self-reprimands. That friction could be compelling—the ethical pressure is present in concept. The tension is palpable. Terry’s presence, the balcony reveal, the sense of being “caught”: structurally, this is a solid setup for temptation versus restraint.
That said, this potential could be explored much more deeply.
1. Redundancy (now) instead of escalation (as improvement)
The same beat repeats: George notices Jasmine’s body >> sexual thought >> guilt >> notices her body again. But it doesn’t deepen, there’s no progression—only accumulation. Perception lands more powerfully when it intensifies, mutates, or fractures, not when it loops.
2. Physical attraction is explicitely told (stated) instead of shown
This results in objectification on the page. Words like “hot,” “perfect,” “yummy” function as labels, not perceptions. Show versus tell can actually help a lot here to deepen the prose to a psychologically specific gaze.
3. Missing cognitive distortion as a missed opportunity
The text gestures at “mixed signals,” but it doesn’t yet warp perception enough to make it sharp. Objectifying labels are stated outright, but the prose doesn’t fully show how his mind lies to him—how neutral actions become interpreted, claimed, or misread through desire.
4. Moral self-commentary dilutes impact
The constant self-rebuke paradoxically flattens the character. It reassures the reader: “Don’t worry—he knows this is wrong.” That level of self-awareness, introduced this early and this often, reduces complexity and undercuts tension.
In short, the passage signals the character trait instead of letting the reader infer it through distorted perception and escalating internal logic.
Ideas to sharpen the prose (without sanitizing it):
1. Cut 30–40% of explicit sexual adjectives. Keep fewer, sharper details. Let the gaps do the work. Trust the reader.
2. Replace labels with perception filters. Show what he assumes her smile means, how her presence becomes his tension, how interpretation replaces observation.
3. Escalate psychologically, not descriptively. Move through noticing >> interpreting >> justifying >> resenting restraint. That arc is currently missing.
Examples (to clarify intent, not to prescribe voice):
The blouse (shown, not named): My attention snagged on the way her blouse shifted when she leaned forward—the careless openness of it. As if it had been curated, as though the moment existed for my attention alone, and I had to look down to remind myself where I was standing.
The legs (shown, not labeled): As she moved, my focus followed before I could redirect it, tracking the easy shift of her weight. The smooth line revealed as the hem of her skirt lifted with her step—the motion unnecessarily precise, as though the space itself had been arranged to draw my eye there. I told myself it was coincidence. I told myself it meant nothing. The thought didn’t leave.
Leaving the lovebirds behind: I didn’t stop walking as I said it. I didn’t look back. I only felt the echo of laughter behind me—light and unbothered—and the sharp irritation that followed me out the door: at Terry, at myself, at the fact that the image I was trying to shake refused to loosen its grip.
Overall, the intention is clear. The execution, however, is currently repetitive and leaves several opportunities untapped. The story is telling and looping rather than distorting and escalating. This could become a strong, uncomfortable character study—but at the moment it reads like a draft that hasn’t yet trusted the reader’s intelligence.
Physical attraction is a difficult terrain to navigate. As one of our oldest biological instincts, it amplifies everything on the page. When stated explicitly instead of shown, it easily tips into objectification. That said, I have real respect for you—for sharing this work, for taking risks, and for surfacing exactly these kinds of craft landmines.
I’d love to invite you to a literary dialogue—and to celebrate before and after drafts. We already have a shared best practice on this blog: labeling the original post as v1 in its title, and publishing revisions as v2. That helps us track progress and avoids confusion when feedback refers to earlier versions.
Keep up the good work, and thank you for being an ice-breaker on a hard assignment.