What was that?
Jenna sat upright. Never a sound sleeper, she could usually brush aside all the usual creaks and groans of the house at night. This sound was out of the ordinary.
A shuffling, –rummaging more accurately.
Fuck.
She froze. Unable to move. Jenna held her breath and waited.
Maybe it’s a mouse, …or possum.
She strained to hear. Convinced it was probably an animal.
Get a grip.
She reached over to her bedside lamp, thinking she should and investigate.
Before she touched the switch, a torch light cut across the doorway.
Fuck!
She pulled her hand back. Her heart thumped so loudly she was certain the intruder could hear her. Had she become complacent living in the quiet valley suburb? There had been reports of break-ins but Jenna hated the idea of living in fear of what could happen. Fear, she always regarded as a cage of our own making.
My phone.
Jenna moved quickly and silently. She grabbed her phone and headed for the en-suite. She carefully locked the door. The phone’s screen lit up as she tried to press triple zero, but found her hands shaking so much, that she kept pressing other numbers. She finally managed to target in on the three zeros.
‘Police, fire or ambulance?’
‘Police,’ her voice barely audible.
‘Did you say Police?’
‘Yes’
‘What’s the address of your emergency?’
‘45 Greenhill Rd, Valley View.’
The operator repeated it back to her.
‘Is that correct?’
‘Yes.’
‘What’s the nature of your emergency?’
‘I… I think there’s an intruder in the house. I can hear someone moving around.’
‘Where are you at the moment?’
‘I’m in the bathroom. I’ve locked the door, but please hurry… I think I hear him coming.’
‘Do you know who this might be?’
‘No… no I don’t. Please…’
‘We already have a car on the way, just stay on the line with me OK? Have you got anything to protect yourself with?’
Jenna used the torch on her phone to scan the bathroom. Nothing looked to be of any use.
‘No, not really,’ she whispered. ‘No wait. I think there’s some scissors…’
She crawled over to the cabinet and searched around for the hairdressing kit she thought should be there. She quietly unzipped the case, took out the largest pair of scissors, and gripped them like a dagger in her hand.
‘I’ve got them. How far away are they?’
‘You should be hearing sirens any minute.’
‘I can’t hear him any more… maybe he’s gone?’
‘Just stay put until you hear the police are there.’
‘Yes, yes… of course.’
Jenna sat on her haunches, rocking back and forth, her hand wrapped tightly around the scissors, willing the police to come.
An explosion of wood as the bathroom door gave way.
‘Fuck you’, Jenna screamed, launching herself at the figure standing where her door used to be. She plunged the scissors into his upper thigh.
As the dark figure doubled over, screaming out in pain, Jenna pushed past him and ran. She ran faster than she knew she was capable of, adrenaline giving her an extra gear. She ran until flashing blue lights in her driveway told her she could stop.
-
Recent Posts
Recent Comments
- Sascha Mac on Not Another False Alarm
- map6449 on Lesson 1 – Finally Settling In – 1989
- Susan Draper on The Craft of Fiction, Lesson 2:
- Susan Draper on The Craft of Fiction, Lesson 2:
- Susan Draper on Lesson 2- Never Again
- Susan Draper on Lesson 1 – Finally Settling In – 1989
- Joshua.Matlack on Lesson 1 Ron Dam Clam
- Susan Draper on Lesson 1
- Susan Draper on Not Another False Alarm
- Susan Draper on Lesson 1 Ron Dam Clam
Categories
Login
I love this piece—it’s a real pleasure to read.
The accuracy of stress physiology and psychology is spot on: the escalating loop of trigger >> bodily reaction >> fragmented thinking. Details like fumbling with the emergency numbers and speaking to the operator, then rocking back and forth to self-soothe are exactly the nuances that make a thriller feel alive—and deeply human.
The only moment where I felt a bit more spatial orientation might help is here:
“Jenna sat on her haunches, rocking back and forth, her hand wrapped tightly around the scissors, willing the police to come.” Anchoring where she’s sitting could sharpen the image—the toilet lid, perhaps? (The floor feels slightly less plausible, especially given the need to move quickly in an emergency.)
Again, I really enjoyed reading this piece.
Hi SunLover,
how are you able to provide such valuable feedback for so many participants? Its amazing. Are you a student of this course or do you have an official role as a teacher? I am learning so much from you and the constructive advice you are giving on all of these pieces.
I am finding the daily practice so helpful. I can imagine by the end that we will all have so many potential pieces to develop into bigger works. I am currently revising my second manuscript – a crime novel. I’m already applying many of the tips I am learning from this engagement – especially with you and Dogonit’s insights. Thank you. I hope I can return the generosity – but I feel you already know anything I might have to add!
kind regards
Kerry
Hi Kerry,
Thank you so much for your kind compliment — I actually blushed while reading it. 🙂
I’m probably just an overly enthusiastic student with a bit more free time at the moment, being on holiday and on sick leave from work. My engagement here is entirely voluntary; I simply love connecting with other writers, and I’m genuinely happy to see people bring out the best in their prose.
This isn’t my first writing course, but it’s definitely the one I enjoy the most. I have some background in screenwriting for film and in public speaking — I used to attend Toastmasters sessions, where giving thoughtful feedback was one of the core skills we practiced.
Paul (Dogonit) is excellent at providing feedback. I learn a great deal from him, too, and I integrate what I learn quickly.
Thank you also for your valuable feedback on Footsteps in the Dark. Both of your recommendations were incredibly helpful. I suppose we all have blind spots — I’m certainly no exception, especially when I’m deeply immersed in a viewpoint character.
I’m genuinely curious about the crime novel you’re working on. I’m in a similar place myself — I just haven’t finished my first manuscript yet. Mine is a character-driven thriller, and the current version is more like a 200-page summary with a few dialogue scenes, half in Hungarian (narration and description) and half in English (dialogue). I draw a lot of inspiration from the course assignments as well.
It’s always a pleasure to read your assignments and your feedbacks. Let’s stay in touch.
Warmest regards,
Marta
Hi Marta,
the compliment is well deserved. My novel is hard to categorise I think. A young woman encounters a man she begins to believe was the same man who tried to abduct her as a child. It happens at the same time historic missing children cases re-emerge as remains are found dating back decades.
I start to lose confidence with it mainly I think because of how many times I have read over it, doing revisions. I’m not sure if I have good enough character development or action points, because its no longer ‘fresh’ to me.
I was lucky enough to have my first novel published 3 years ago, and I remember the same roller-coaster of doubt during that process.
I am also getting a lot from this course, which is largely thanks to you and Paul, I have to say.
Cheers for now,
Kerry
Hi Kerry,
Thank you for sharing this — and for trusting me with it.
What you describe sounds incredibly compelling, and your self-doubt also very familiar. That loss of confidence after countless revisions is such a real part of the process. When a story is no longer fresh to us, it becomes almost impossible to experience it the way a first-time reader would.
The premise you describe has strong psychological and emotional stakes built into it. A childhood threat resurfacing in adulthood, layered with historical cases — that kind of material tends to carry tension almost on its own. Character depth and action don’t always announce themselves loudly to the writer while drafting — sometimes they only become visible again when fresh eyes meet the text.
The fact that you’ve already been through this roller-coaster once — and came out the other side with a published novel — actually says a lot. It suggests that this stage might not be a red flag so much as a recognizable phase of deep work.
I’m really glad the course is giving you something — and thank you for saying that about Paul and me. That means a lot, truly. I learn just as much from these exchanges as I hope others do.
For what it’s worth: if you’re doubting because you care and keep refining, that’s usually a sign you’re doing serious work — not that you’ve lost your way.
Looking forward to reading more of your work, whenever you feel ready to share.
Warmly,
Marta
Since the intruder was not concerned with the oncoming sirens when he blew the door off its hinges, there is a mild implication that your intruder could be a cop. On the other hand, the figure that the main character is hiding from is cabable of taking down a door, and seems unbothered by the sirens. This makes me wonder whether the intruder is a character like Jason from Friday the thirteenth or Michael Meyers from Halloween.
Thanks JPC. In my mind, Jenna could not yet hear the sirens when he broke down the door, so maybe I need to make that more explicit and stretch the time out a bit before she escapes. It helps to see these gaps when read by someone else. Cheers
Kerry
* capable