My Mom greeted me warmly when I arrived. We rarely got to spend time together these days. Between the kids, and school, and my evening classes, the days rushed by. Mom and I had both been looking forward to some together time.
“So, how are my beautiful grandchildren?”
“Oh, my God Mom, they are growing like weeds. Do you believe that Kelly is almost 12, and Megan and is almost 8?”
“They’ll be college bound before we know it.”
“And, how is Mark, that wonderful husband of ours? We haven’t seen him in a while.”
“Well, he’s very busy Mom. He’s been picking up overtime shifts, and he watches the girls while I’m studying.”
“Well, when you came for Easter, he wasn’t watching the girls. They were here with you. And, when you came for Christmas, he wasn’t working overtime. And Thanksgiving, he has missed every family holiday this year.”
“This is what marriage is like for modern couples. We divide and conquer most of the time. And sometimes, he needs a little time to himself.”
“A little time to himself is one thing. Missing every family holiday this year is a problem. Have you thought about the fact that your girls are never spending holidays with their Dad? And what is he doing while you and the girls are with our extended family celebrating the three holidays that most people spend together?”
“Well, Kevin is working so much, he needs the time alone.”
“Sweetheart, I’m sorry to say, you are making excuses for him. This is not acceptable behavior. This is not a marriage. You and he should be a team, but I see you drowning , doing everything for your family in order to raise those girls.”
“It’s not true, Mom. Kevin does a lot. He picks up the girls every day, and .., and…”
“You can’t even come up with a few things he does to help you.”
“And, that’s not all. Kelly tells me he’s drinking again. She said Daddy was so drunk, he fell and broke his arm.”
“That’s not how he broke his arm. The kids’ toys were all over the floor and he slipped. It was totally my fault.”
“Do you hear yourself? You are taking the blame for him. Any family counselor could tell you; you are enabling him. You have to face this. I know it’s hard. But you have to nip this behavior in the bud, or you’ll regret it the rest of your life. If he won’t change. You end it. That’s it.”
“This is so easy for you, Mom. The stay-at-home housewife, who never worked, who had the perfect husband, and the perfect life.”
“Your father was not perfect. And, we had problems just like every couple. But this is a big problem. And you need to be strong. Your father and I will support you in this. We are here for you.”
“My God, Mom, let it go. It’s not that bad. I came here thinking we’d have a great weekend together, but it’s clear you had other plans for this weekend. I may as well go back home. I’ll call you when I’m over this attack on me AND MY FAMILY.”
“You can’t go now, the storm is right overhead and it will be at least two hours getting home. I’ll stop. I won’t say another word. “
“Too late. I can’t stay now. I can’t even look at you. Good-bye.”
Kaitlin grabbed her coat and overnight bag and ran out the front door, rain pelting her all the way. By the time she got to the car, she was soaked.
Kaitlin’s Mom stood at the screen door worrying. She should have held back. But she feared for her daughter, and her grandchildren. This was not the life she wanted for them.
You do such a good job of creating tension and developing your characters through dialogue! I like the way you develop two layers at once – the mother-daughter dynamic and the story of a troubled marriage.
Thanks, Alan. You are very kind!
I could really feel this one. Great dynamics going on here.
Thanks, Waterlily. I appreciate your thoughts.
Great job on a realistic conversation! You allow the reader to get a glimpse of the marriage problems even while the narrator denies them. And the mom just could not understand it. My only note here is that it’s all dialogue. It might give it a bigger punch if you interspersed inner dialogue. It’s great even if you don’t!
Thanks for your feedback. Much appreciated. You are so right.
Kate
I love so much that the conflict here doesn’t come from raising voices and shouting, but as a result of clash of values. That your character and her mom share different priorities, which is not only a disagreement of two individuals, but the contrast of two generations and the “parallel dimension” world they inhabit: slow-burn past decades of big family GTGs and a new, sped up contemporary era where organizing and prioritizing life is key to surviving. Different needs, different coping strategies.
I have a few recommendations, because I see such a high potential in your writing.
Stay consistent with POV and narrative. You start your scene with “My Mom greeted me warmly when I arrived.” 1st person limited and you end it with 3rd person limited “Kaitlin grabbed her coat…” then continue with 3rd person omniscient “Kaitlin’s Mom stood at the screen door worrying. She should have held back. But she feared for her daughter, and her grandchildren. This was not the life she wanted for them.”
Up to then, we were in Kaitlin’s POV, she cannot feel what her mother feels, but you can show: “I glanced back at Mom. She frowned, her face looked tense and something flickered in her eyes. For a moment, I emphatized with her… worry.” You can tell it through Kaitlin’s interpretation, or even better, inner conflict: “Even though I knew my mother only wanted the best for me and my family, I still couldn’t get rid of the suffocating feeling that she trespassed my boundaries and invaded our life without even trying to understand my point and the context.” Conflict of mind and heart.
This would stay with your originally set 1st person limited POV for your character.
Also we have a storm in the end of the scene. You can use it like a prop, to create suspense by foreshadowing, by adding small pauses to the dialog. You can introduce a light storm at the beginning of the scene, an escalating storm halfway as the conflict between mother and daughter escalates, and a raging storm as the conflict between them reach it’s climax. You can always use venues, weather and other circumstances as a mirror of your character’s thoughts, feelings and mood. But this one is just a cherry on top of your cake, an opportunity that you can take or leave.
Again, great job, and I love how much it’s reflexting to a much bigger soliological context than the marriage of the character and her disagreement with her mother.