It was the usual Saturday night for Lucy and Adrian. No big plans, just the usual bickering over who got to choose the movie. Lucy always seemed to acquiesce and get to play the martyr to whatever Adrian selected.
Sebastian would come and go as he pleased as he was a dashing young man about town with a string of broken hearted young women trailing behind him who were never introduced to his parents.
So Lucy was shocked at 2am when there was a hammering at her bedroom door and Sebastian was pleading with her to come and help her. She couldn’t tell if he was drunk or crying or hurt or all of the above. She gingerly got out of bed and and put on her calmest voice as by this point Seb’s voice had risen to near-hysteria.
When Lucy reached the living room she could understand why. There were two young men about Seb’s age who seemed to have been in some sort of fight and one was bleeding profusely on Lucy’s extravagantly upholstered sofas. The other one was motionless.
For all her training Lucy was paralysed. But then recovered enough to shout “Call 911. NOW”. Adrian by this time had lumbered out and made the call .
Sebastian seemed incapable of anything. Lucy turned and looked at him with a look of horror, as what looked like shame crept over his face. Was this Seb’s doing? Was her darling only child capable of this sort of violence? Lucy and Adrian glanced at each other wordlessly comprehending the horrific new world they had just entered.
Lucy could hear Adrian on the phone describing the scene in front of him and she looked again at the drunken Seb, and the two other young men – one bleeding, the fate of the other uncertain.
I see this is a Lesson 1 assignment — welcome on board. 🙂
Before anything else, I would like to address something technical.
The full piece was posted in the text field reserved for the title. This not only makes the story look more compressed than it actually is, but also affects how the Recent Posts section appears on the right — where Posts, Comments and Categories are listed.
Whenever you have a chance, you might want to edit the post and move the writing into the body, and use the title field just for a title. If nothing comes to mind right now, something simple like “Lesson 1” or “Disruption” would work perfectly. 🙂
Thanks @SunLover – as you can see I haven’t done this before on any writers’ forum! 🙂
No problem. Thanks for adjusting it, your post now is clear and much-much easier to read! 🙂
Happy New Year and warm regards from Hungary! 🙂
Congratulations on your first post — and for breaking the ice.
Your writing is clear and well organized, with a distinct inciting incident (I come with some background in screenwriting for film — that’s what this kind of disruption is called there), high stakes, and a sense of foreshadowing that this is only the beginning.
There is also room for strengthening the prose, and the most important area — one we work with a lot in this course — is show versus tell. The course material and detailed feedback helped me tighten my own writing in exactly this way, too.
You open with “It was the usual Saturday night,” which reads as a summary and feels a bit clichéd. I’d encourage you to cut that line and move straight into action. For example, instead of telling us it’s a typical night, you could show it through something immediate, like Lucy and Adrian arguing over who gets to choose the movie. That kind of narrative closeness pulls the reader into the scene and creates more intimacy.
Similarly, when you write that “Lucy always seemed to acquiesce and get to play the martyr,” that’s an interesting character dynamic — but it would be even stronger if shown through action. Is she reaching for the remote? Sulking? Making a pointed comment? Let us see what “playing the martyr” looks like in this moment.
You also use phrases like “seemed” or “looked like,” which are classic weasel words. You can trust your viewpoint character more and move closer into her thoughts. For example, instead of saying it seemed like the young men were fighting, you might show Lucy’s uncertainty directly through a thought: Were they fighting?
The same applies to “Sebastian seemed incapable of anything.” That’s an important moment, and it would really benefit from being shown. What does his incapacity look like on the page? Is he frozen? Fumbling? Blocking the doorway? Concrete action will make this land much harder.
The closing line about “the horrific new world” leans slightly melodramatic — but that isn’t necessarily a flaw. If this reflects Lucy’s inner state, and if she tends toward dramatization under stress, it’s perfectly valid for the narration to echo that, since we’re in her POV.
Overall, this is a strong piece that clearly establishes unexpected adolescent crisis, with a solid sense of structure and clarity. My notes are meant as opportunities to deepen immediacy and embodiment — and the course will give you very specific tools to do exactly that. Well done, and keep going.
Thanks SunLover – I really appreciate your generous feedback and the time you have taken to give it. I will definitely take it on board for Lesson 2. From Australia (where you would most certainly find a lot of sun right now!)
Thanks @SunLover – as you can see I haven’t done this before on any writers’ forum! 🙂
Don’t worry about that, you are doing great! 🙂